Color my thoughts.

Have you ever.

Have you ever loved someone so much it makes you cry? Have you ever forfeited your own rights and will because you believe in your love for someone is greater? Have you ever poured out your heart, only to become empty as ever? 

Have you ever cried with joy because you are sincerely and increasingly loved back? Have you given thought to the selfless act of Him who forfeited his life because He wanted you to know his greater love? 
Have you ever asked to be filled again?

May my thoughts and love for you grow increasingly..I can’t bear the thought of the day where I’d give up. So, let’s never begin to give up.  

Let love, and let your love go flowing.

A New Sight

For awhile I’ve been blinded from the spiritual war going on around me, and in my life. Every fight, every slander, gossip, arguments, judgment, and hate we’ve experienced with either our fellow brothers and sisters or even others are all part of this spiritual battle. I think more importantly, I was unaware of how urgent and serious these everyday struggles and experiences are in our lives. They’re serious. I felt the spirit calling on me to pray. I had an uneasiness wearing down my heart and I felt pushed to pray. The enemy is at our doorsteps, and for some of us in our hearts tearing godly relationships apart, bringing division in churches, and even “small” things like gossip. The Spirit was telling me that they are important, important enough to terrify me, and ultimately important enough to lead to prayer. I’m seeing all this in a whole new light. Actually, I feel like I’m seeing in light for the first time. I’ve heard it many times and read it in the Word to not do these things, but they’ve never felt so real to me. Real..in that these very things will close a heart of a believer or lead potential believers away. This means we’re losing our brothers and sisters to the enemy. I pray that the Spirit will lead your hearts to this urgency as well!

lost and neglected.

I’ve never felt such pain in my heart for the broken.

Sure, it’s easy to well up with emotions of sadness for the truly unfortunate. The world has a bright spotlight on the impoverished and enslaved..and my heart breaks every time I encounter the injustice of slavery and starvation, but only from a tv or a documentary. My heart feels close, but I’m actually far from knowing the true pain of the wretched darkness and shame they live through.

But that’s not the kind of brokenness I’m talking about. I feel like there’s always been a hidden darkness in the lives of children whose parents divorced. Children, elementary kids. Their parents try to be parents: loving, kind, caring, understanding, sensitive, and supportive. They make sure their children are doing well. Or do they? This darkness, synonymous to sadness in this case, isn’t about child abuse, but more about negligence.. parents are physically unavailable for their children. They aren’t consistently caring for and disciplining their children.

Maybe I don’t know the details, but when you see a child crying because of the stress of not having her parents around while competing with her siblings for the attention of their parents in the short time they have, I can’t not think that there’s something wrong.

That brokenness.. Weighed on my heart today. I love being with these girls and I respect their parents because they work really hard and they’re successful through their hard work. They try to give what they can to their children, but is it enough? I am in no place to judge, certainly I know nothing about raising children and having a family of my own, but i know pain when I see it and feel it. I know brokenness from the yelling and tears a child cries..

And so tonight, I’m here writing this down before i forget and leave this feeling behind. I pray for restoration and healing for children who desperately need to be loved and know real love. It can only be done by you, O, Lord.

New year, new goals. Please stick.

So, originally I made this blog to record my thoughts and moments to look back on where I was once in my life. I’ve been on a hiatus, one that I didn’t plan, and one that lasted for more than 6 months now..haha. 

What has happened since I last posted? After I came back from Honduras I helped out with our church VBS, which was both fun and stressful :) I remained working at my dad’s cleaners despite my occasional dislike for it..He needs my help and I owe it to my parents to help out. Then, in August I started a new part time job as a super nanny..helping to keep the house organized and clean, taking care of 3 girls, helping their mother with her files, mail, and bills. Oh, and I help the girls with their homework and piano, after I pick them up from school or their soccer practices. (I’ve become a soccer nanny). I’ve also become the “president” for our miniature group at church. Even though our group only consists of 5 or 6 members, I feel like the stress of being a group leader is greater than you would think. 

Through all this what is the state of my heart? A fight to know the joy of the Lord and believing in his strength in me through the Holy Spirit. I feel like I’m constantly tested to see if I have the backbone of a true Christian. What kind of relationships am I building? Am I nurturing these relationships or burning them down with fire of pride? Am I truly hardworking, or am I finding a nest to feel comfortable in? Am I growing or have I become complacent? Am I worshipping God, or am I just practicing my religion? Am I pursuing my goals and dreams, or have I made excuses to cover up my fears of pursuing them? There’s just so many questions, where one answer is right and the other is wrong. I keep looking back at last fall and winter…”Oh, how desperate I was for God, and how I knelt before him day and night because I knew that he was God of movement and power..and He wants to use me.” Now, my battles are different. I don’t know how to feel about them. There are moments where my heart lays silent in darkness. I don’t want to think. I just want to slowly fall asleep, just so that I didn’t have to be conscious about what I was thinking, saying, or doing. My battles are so much more worldly now..and sometimes it scares me of how numb I’ve become. I can’t feel the sting of the words of Christ as the rays of light disappear into the abyss of darkness. My friend once said, the closer she grew to God the further she grew away from God once she fell. At the time I was speechless because I didn’t understand what that meant or what that looked like. Now, I understand it. The more I want to be with the Lord, the harder the struggle is to stay with the Lord. The more I tug and resist the devil, the harder he pulls on me. I snap back. After the shock of a whiplash the pain slowly creeps up on me like the pains of our neck and back from a car accident. I get scared to move, to fight back and flee from my enemy because I remember the pain of falling, the pain of being oppressed and pulled down by the enemy. I sound like I’m a hot mess..hahah and I really am, but I’m God’s hot mess. He never disowned me once. Even until this moment, I feel the warmth of his heart and love. Then I realize I can’t resist the love of our Father. It’s greater than the power of my enemy. 

Today, I feel greater, like I can do anything…like I can break free from the enemy’s grip. I can’t try to have this peace and joy, all I can do is surrender. Sweet surrender. After this confession I want to share that there’s more to God than just the struggle and suffering, and through Him there’s more than strife and suffering in me. I have hope and in that hope I have joy and satisfaction. I want to share my heart and my journey, and please keep me accountable through your prayers. I have this new goal to draw something everyday based on my meditations and daily bible reading. Let his words be fulfilled. 

I want you to paint the visions of heaven to encourage your brothers and sisters. 

Come follow me here

Whoever heeds life-giving correction
will be at home among the wise. Those who disregard discipline despise themselves,
but the one who heeds correction gains understanding. Wisdom’s instruction is to fear the Lord,
and humility comes before honor. (Proverbs 15:31-33 NIV)

If I really want to grow I must see and realize I’m not perfect. In fact, I’m far from perfect. The funny thing is deep inside i know I’m not perfect, but when someone, God or friend tells me my mistakes I’m too prideful to receive and change. It says, “those who disregard discipline despise themselves.” that’s so true.. It’s like when they say, if you love your children, you’ll discipline them… And this is directed to parents who are too submissive and too afraid to discipline their children. If you love your children, you won’t let them stay and become ill-mannered, self-righteous, selfish, prideful, disrespectful, undiscerning, and arrogant. In that same way, if I love myself I will accept discipline because it is from my Father who loves me and knows what’s best for me. I know my Father loves me just the way I am, but he won’t let me stay unchanged, bound by sin, and incapable of listening..for he loves me too much to be separated from me.

But most of all, before wisdom, understanding, honor I want to be humbled by taking his word as my command. I want to love God more than I love his gifts. Loving God requires me to listen and obey.

Warriors

From him shall come the cornerstone, from him the tent peg, from him the battle bow, from him every ruler—all of them together. They shall be like mighty men in battle, trampling the foe in the mud of the streets; they shall fight because the Lord is with them, and they shall put to shame the riders on horses. Zechariah 10: 4&5

To be saved is to be renewed and changed. From Him will mightiness, power, love, and strength arise.

I felt God calling on us to seek him and pray for Him to arise in us. Let’s be warriors, proclaiming the Word of the Lord through prayer and action!

Awake me, so that I may rest in you.